Better Adult Swim Group LOL
It cuts me to the core.
Thak is on duty tonight, and here I sit among my textbooks and my animals, reading Physics, listening to Johnny Cash, smoking too much, and thinking way too much. Why is it that every time I listen to music which makes me think, that it brings up things which are unresolved and painful in a way. Many are things I do not want to talk about now, maybe ever, but when I listen to Johnny Cash, it's like they're right there again.
Is it that within every scientist is a tormented soul? Is our role, that being, to spend our lives questioning and challenging the status quo, also that which prevents so many of us from noticing the simplest, most pleasurable things in life? Is it only when we are weakened by sickness, loneliness, or a rare moment of vulnerability that we can really see what's right in front of our faces? Is it only then that I can realize how much love there is in my husband's embrace, or how much energy is exchanged when he kisses me? Does it torment me that I cannot quanitfy that energy with an equation, duplicate it in the lab, or bottle it to sell as a cure to all the heartache in the world?! Is it only when I am weakened inadvertantly and have my guards torn down by the lyrics of Johnny Cash, that I can truely realize that Physics will never love me the way that simple, unassuming man I married does?! Is it only times like now, when I sit alone late at night that I can truely care on the deep level I hear others talk about, but almost never feel for myself? Is it because I am a scientist, or because I am a veteran, or because I'm simply a cold person? That is for me to ponder....
It seems as if I have spent my whole life fighting. I have been a soldier. I have been a single parent. I have majored in two of the toughest disciplines anyone could pick. I've spent my life pushing myself to the edge, and I wonder if it has cost me in other regards. While other girls my age were living carefree lifestyles, I cleaned my M-249 machinegun, and readied my gear. I looked on at those others, wondering what it would be like to know for a fact that I'd live to see my next birthday, and to be content with the fact that I'd never have to fight for that priviledge. I wondered if they ever thought about soldiers like me, and remembered that we volunteered to fight for people like them, even if it would cost us our lives, even if we had to die at 19, 20, 21 years old so they could live to be 100. I often wondered what it was like to have a love I never had to leave behind because Uncle Sam said I needed to go somewhere else. I wondered what it would be like to have a life that was my own, and not lived for other people who mostly didn't seem to care much that I had given up my freedom for their's. Tonight, I wonder what it was all for. Who did I think I was?! PFC L*****d, saviour of the world? Geez... what happened to that wide-eyed little 19-year-old girl who went to see the recruiter on June 13, 2001? When I look in the mirror, I don't see a single trace of that girl left...
How many nights did I sit up late at night, in my old PT uniform, rocking a sleepless baby, and reading a Chemistry text? How many times did I push Thak away when I needed him most at times like that? How hard did he have to fight to crack my exterior? How many times did I yell at him because he didn't "understand"? How many times did I almost break up with him when he was only trying to be there for me unconditionally the way nobody had ever been before? One day, maybe I'll ask him. What made me so unable for so long to accept the only gift he had to offer me, that being, the most genuine love possible? This is Irish girl/asian man love, LOL, a love that Diaz dreams of. It is nights like this when I think of these things...
"What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end. If you could have it all, my empire of dirt, I will let you down, I will make you hurt. If I could start again, a million miles away, I would keep myself. I would find a way." This is no different then the relationship I have with Thak as I am his Irish girl and he is my asian angel man. This speaks to me. LOL.
Fun Topics
Changes Thread
Stupidest Looking People on MySpace
Interesting Facts
My little story
Fun threads to post on
Physics related topics
The essense of time distortion
Faster than light speed travel
Is the Universe a hologram?
The Big Bang
Philosophical Topics
Morality
Does better technology create lazier people?
Define 'Human'
Do we have a purpose in life?
Can Machines ever become creative?
Is it ok to use information derived by evil means?
Other Topics
End of the World
Vegetarians
UFOs
Social Engineering
Dream Recording
Forum Sociology
An attempt at intell.... something
Haiku (other AS group)
(Let me know if you want to nominate some other topics to be on the front page.)