|
We are here to worship Jarloo the Fish-Whale. I am His prophetess, Humble B. Wonderful! Hear now the Gospel of Jarloo the Fish-Whale!
Jarloo was once an ordinary fish. Then He was eaten by a whale. But instead of going down into the whale’s stomach, Jarloo instead went upward and found His way into the whale’s brain. Jarloo ate that whale’s brain, and it was good. This is this His first miracle; the Miracle of the Cerebral Digestion. Once Jarloo ate the whale’s brain, He found himself able to control the whale from inside his head. Thus began the adventures of Jarloo the Fish-Whale.
Jarloo, awakening to his new body, was promptly killed by whalers from Thailand. He rose up to heaven on a cloud of water vapor. There he met Jesus, and Jesus spake unto Jarloo: “Oh, Jarlup. Hear my Word!”
“It’s ‘Jarloo’” said Jarloo.
“Right,” said Jesus. “Jarloo. Anyway, thou art my most precious creation, and thine destiny is favored even above that of Man. I charge thee with a most special quest: thou must survey my Creation and tell me if I’m going over budget. If thou doest this one task for me, I shall grant thee eternal bliss and prestige and a place at my side during the Final Fracas against the forces of Nastiness.”
And so Jarloo swan out (which is something like swimming, but you do it in space) into the Cosmos. There, as the millennia passed, Jarloo learned the Wisdom of the Ages of Yore. He revealed his perfect wisdom to man in "The Adages of the Fishey-Whale” (Bantam:1376), to little critical acclaim.
Here is Jarloo’s First Precept: “Though, from a distance, a star looketh much like a shiny krill, it is not a krill, but instead is a giant ball of hellacious fire and should not be eaten by anyone.”
Clearly, Jarloo was ahead of his time. After enough journeying to fill three network seasons of a popular TV show, Jarloo returned to Heaven and said unto Jesus, “Yea, thou Creation is on budget. All matter, energy, and angular momentum is being conserved, and with thine 3rd Law of Motion, ye have finagled two actions for the price of one. The Holy Accountant will be much pleased.”
And it was good.
Jesus lifted the mighty Jarloo up, because Jesus’ muscles are really strong that way, and made Jarloo His “Champion of the Seas”, and charged Jarloo with but one task in the Great Fight of Armageddon: when the zombies rise from the ocean, Jarloo shall meet them on the shores from behind and kill them with a great deluge of brine and sea shells down by the sea shore.
Praise Jarloo! For he shall save us from any zombies on or near the ocean!
|