Hey Lindsay!

How ya doin? Probably not so good after several unsuccessful stints at rehab, dealing with your wack parents, flashing your fire-crotch at anyone who will look at it, and photographing your cheesy faux-lesbo knife fights. But hey, everyone does things they regret once in awhile, and I just want you to know that my friends and I are here to help you get on the right track.

We may not be about to fix your comatose career or boost your bile-drenched public image, but the next time you get shitfaced and need to go somewhere, call one of us. We’ll give you a ride.

I know what you’re thinking, “None of these people have a Rolls, a Bentley, or even a Benzo.”

Sure we do! All of us drive immaculate luxury cars that you will in no way feel embarrassed riding in as you struggle to keep from simultaneously vomiting and passing out while attempting to hide your identity under an oversized sweatshirt and ridiculously large sunglasses. If you happen to catch a glimpse of “Nissan” or “Toyota” written on the dash as you slump over in a drunken stupor, those are after-market modifications and they’re very hot right now.

You may also be thinking, “Why are you offering me a ride? You don’t even have a car.”

It’s true; I don’t have a car, which clearly puts me in a social echelon that is light years below yours. But given your driving record consisting of, but not limited to, crashes, property damage, and general bouts of CRAZY, if you call me, I will find a car. I will steal a car. Should no one else be up to the task of taking you wherever your privileged heart desires, I will fly to LA, obtain a rickshaw, and pull you to your destination. I will borrow a child’s shiny red Radio Flyer wagon, raid a trailer park, make false promises of sexual favors to cross-country truckers, hire a bunch of migrant workers to build a railroad for ten bucks and a bottle of vodka, charter a private jet from any of the millions of terrorists Fox News says are hovering around, go to Alaska and get a sled dog team…

Just please, please stay off the road. You have the money to call a cab, or hire a fleet of limos if you want, but we’re not here to ask questions. We just want to give you a ride.

So take us up on our offer. It could save the lives of millions, and yours if you don’t die of alcohol poisoning before we dump you off at home. *hugs*

Sincerely,

The “Lindsay Lohan, I’ll Give You a Ride” MySpace Group

P.S. And take this hair-tie… so you don’t get puke in your weave.